The soundtrack to your Christmas Party

One drunken Summer evening over a game of Rapidough, you offered up your gaff’ and your Chardonnay stained sofa to hold the Christmas party none of your mates actually want. Fast forward four months and you’re arranging the Kevin the Carrot shaped vol au’ vants on a tin-foil tray in anticipation for your eight guests arrival. Your living room is an all-expense spared venue, littered with cardboard cut-out photo-booth props and some shoddy tinsel you found in the back of the airing cupboard. The £2.99 bottles of Buck’s Fizz are warming up under the glare of some unnecessarily aggressive fairy lights as you FaceTime your mum for the third time just to make sure that 180• is ‘definitely the right temperature’ to cook Asda’s beige snack pack selection. Everything is in place to host the best Crimbo party since 2002 when Uncle Derek passed out in the four-dip selection after one to many Baileys, but alas something is missing. The soundtrack to your evening. The sweet music to your ears. A total cheese fest which will have your guests screaming “PASS ME ANOTHER MULLED WINE GOD DAMNIT”. It’s time to get this party started with the Ultimate Christmas Party Playlist. Forget the Wensleydale, it’s time serve up this cheeseboard of greatness.

Listen through Spotify:

1. Jingle Bell Rock- Bobby Helms.

You must do the Mean Girls’ talent show dance or you simply can’t sit next to us. I don’t care if there’s only three chairs.

2. Get the party started – Pink.

It speaks for itself. A classic. An all guns blazing anthem which will have Linda wishing she never organised childcare for the evening.

3. The Sweet Escape- Gwen Stefani.

This is exactly what your guests will be plotting right about now.

4. All I want for Christmas is you- My Chemical Romance remastered.

Just as your friends thought they had the evening sussed, you throw in a curveball with this reimagined and rather horrific take on Mariah’s classic.

5. Jolene – Dolly Parton.

Pass around the shots of Advocaat, it’s time to start singing.

6. One way or Another – Blondie.

One way or another you’re going to make this party a night to remember. Let’s hope it’s not by food poisoning the guests. Time to lay out the beige buffet.

7. Pony – Ginuwine.

All the women collectively stare at the one semi-attractive looking guy and hope he starts humping a pillow. No such luck yet. Guy sheepishly goes out for a fag.

8. Fairytale of New York- The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

It’s time to lift the spirits, until someone mentions Kirsty got killed by a boat propellor. Instant mood kill. Make sure your offensive work colleague doesn’t sing the F word. That’s so 1998.

9. Last Christmas- Cascada.

You take full advantage of the mood killer by throwing in this remix. “Who remembers Cascada?!” You shout, trying to stir some nostalgia in the 90’s kids. No-one answers.

10. Let me blow your mind – Eve and Gwen Stefani.

It’s time to break out the big guns. The voul au’ vants are set and the Lambrini is being passed around. Now is your time to shine.

11. Who’s that girl- Eve.

Right off the back of your big debut, the crowd is left wanting more. ‘Who’s that girl?’ They ask. ‘I don’t know, my girlfriend dragged me here’.

12. Good as Hell – Lizzo.

Incase anyone forgot, now’s the time to remind them. You just took a DNA test turns out Uncle Derek isn’t your real uncle after all.

13. Truth Hurts – Lizzo.

Seems fitting following the Uncle Derek confession. You down another shot of Advocaat and reach for the mic tv remote.

14. Super Bass- Nicki Minaj.

Fuck Uncle Derek, you were never that keen on him anyway. Family drama forgotten and the rapping begins.

15. Baby please come home- Mariah Carey.

Someone moaned that you’re not playing enough Christmas music. You hear a mumble coming from the kitchen ‘Baby can we please go home?’

16. Blue Christmas- Michael Bublé.

Shit, you’ve put everyone off going off-pisté with the rap. Time to bring out the golden ticket- Father Christmas himself (aka Michael Bublé)

17. American Boy- Estelle & Kanye West.

A classic of all seasons. An anthem to make everyone join in. Kanye’s part is missing but everyone knows it anyway. ‘Wait. Who the fuck thinks a 5ft 7 guy is just their type?”

18. Dance wiv me- Dizzee Rascal.

You’re practically begging them to get off their feet. Everyone avoids looking you in the eye.

19. Dog Days are Over- Florence and The Machine.

Thank god this thing is wrapping up, who’s idea was this anyway?

20. You’ve got the love – Florence and The Machine.

You push everyone out the door with a half-arsed hug and an enthusiastic ‘We must do this again next year!’. You’re definitely not doing this again next year.

Check out the rest of the #12BlogsOfChristmas !

Published by Jess Davies

Claiming a tiny corner of the internet as my safe space to share my thoughts, opinions and jibber jabber.

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